A light beyond the dark
Three days ago I heard that a friend had taken his own life. It hit me hard as he was always a happy go lucky bloke. Normally, or certainly previously I'd have had an extra 5 or 6 beers as it was my way of coping, dealing with it or just plain numbing it. I came to realise as my counselling came to a close last year that alcohol really isn't my best friend but I also knew I had a reunion to go to and that it was pointless trying to stem a flood with just a stick.
To that end once November 2019 was out of the way and then the inevitable Christmas period I again sought help, this time just from a well being coach. We discussed goals, coping mechanisms etc and a plan started to formulate.
Although this year is still young and Spring is only just about to spring I still think I have come a long way. Yes I still "enjoy" a beer, but I enjoy it for its own sake now as opposed to a crutch or camouflage. Gone are the days when 1 or 2 wasn't enough and I really couldn't be happier with myself.
I did debate on deleting the rant I'd had with my running friends that night but I have decided to keep it and post it here too. If only to show my future self that I am stronger than I was and that talking, albeit online, really does help.
I've just found out a guy I served with has taken his own life. He was always a super friendly chat, run of the mill always a kind word kinda guy, we lost touch when I left but I can still probably name all I was close to in one way or another.
To add insult to injury, this is why I was doing my crazy event that has now been postponed, so that folks can see there is help, it is there and there is certainly no shame in asking for it.
Taking your own life can be seen many ways, but to me it is never a selfish act, more one out of sheer desperation, sometimes in a fleeting moment that could have passed had they reached out, I was only talking about the same things today with Amanda and how a single impulse can change lives.
I'm hurt, hurt that I had never reached back out after I left and allowed that friendship to go cold. I'm hurt that any support that could have been in place probably wasnt due to funding or any other red tape or hoops that need to be fought through.
I'm angry for all of the above reason too, and I am also sad beyond words.
I don't often write this much, especially about how I am feeling but it saves hitting the bottle I guess and is probably a bit healing, who knows. It will probably be deleted tomorrow.
Daz alongside too many others will go unnoticed among the noise. No one is willing to admit that the system fails and fails catastrophically!
I've learnt my lessons, so yes Ill have an "extra" beer tonight but it'll be only one, and tomorrow Ill run, Ill run for Daz, Danny Toby and Blandy. They may well not be here but they are certainly not forgotten. Certa Cito lads, rest easy
Alas I didn't get to run that following day, but I did sort out my home office so that a treadmill could be installed, and I have ran twice since, actually getting a 10k PB and being 16 secs off a 5k PB.
Please, If you are feeling down, reach out. I can't say that enough, there are many avenues you can call on but reach out regardless.